Learning from your Parents

Are you spending your life not being who you truly want to be. Do you only act in ways that you think people expect you to? Over the years we have been conditioned to conform to ideals, often set by our parents. These ideals are often outdated and may no longer serve you as an adult. Our parents did the best they knew how with what they had at the time and you will do the same. If you find yourself going over things your parents did or said or indeed things that you think they should have done or said, then resist doing this. You are an adult now and need to take responsibility for the way your life is today. I recognise for some people this is hard to hear, but it is imperative you forgive or forget the actions of your parents in order to thrive today.

Another way in which we are also often deeply affected by our parents is in the form of 'carried shame', a term coined by the psychotherapist Pia Mellody. This is when we feel guilt or shame for the actions of our parents. We were not responsible for what our parents did when we were growing up. We may feel that they did not achieve enough, were not good enough, made poor choices or did not do enough for us. Whatever it is we often carry shame that actually does not belong to us. Your parents may very well feel shame and guilt for certain way in which they raised you, but why should you?

Heal the wounds from the past in order to move on to the wonderful future you deserve.

Feeling Stressed?

Having conducted research on stress and taught the subject for many years I am still surprised by how little people actually understand and more importantly the huge negative effects it can have on one's life. So here is an in-depth look at stress.

Life can be full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands. Is stress is so familiar to you that it has become a way of life? Stress isn’t always negative. In small doses, it can help you perform under pressure and motivate you to achieve great things. But when you’re constantly running in emergency mode, your mind and body pay the price.

If you frequently find yourself feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, it’s time to take action to bring your nervous system back into balance. You can protect yourself by learning how to recognize the signs and symptoms of stress and begin to take steps to reduce its harmful effects.

Stress Definition

"Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Stress can come from any situation or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, nervous, or anxious."

The Body’s Stress Response


When you perceive a threat, your nervous system responds by releasing a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones rouse the body for emergency action.

Your heart pounds faster, muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, breath quickens, and your senses become sharper. These physical changes increase your strength and stamina, speed your reaction time, and enhance your focus – preparing you to either fight or flee from the danger at hand.

Stress is a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance in some way. When you sense danger – whether it’s real or imagined – the body's defenses kick into high gear in a rapid, automatic process known as the “fight-or-flight” reaction, or the stress response.

The stress response is the body’s way of protecting you. When working properly, it helps you stay focused, energetic, and alert. In emergency situations, stress can save your life – giving you extra strength to defend yourself, for example, or spurring you to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident.

The stress response also helps you rise to meet challenges. Stress is what keeps you on your toes during a presentation at work, sharpens your concentration when you’re attempting the game-winning free throw, or drives you to study for an exam when you'd rather be watching TV.

But beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life.

Effects of chronic stress

The body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats. When you’re stressed over a busy schedule, an argument with a friend, a traffic jam, or a mountain of bills, your body reacts just as strongly as if you were facing a life-or-death situation. If you have a lot of responsibilities and worries, your emergency stress response may be “on” most of the time. The more your body’s stress system is activated, the easier it is to trip and the harder it is to shut off.

Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process. Long-term stress can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Many health problems are caused or exacerbated by stress, including:

• Pain of any kind

• Heart disease

• Digestive problems

• Sleep problems • Depression

• Obesity

• Autoimmune diseases

• Skin conditions, such as eczema


How much stress is too much?

Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know your own limit. But just how much stress is “too much” differs from person to person. Some people roll with the punches, while others crumble at the slightest obstacle or frustration. Some people even seem to thrive on the excitement and challenge of a high-stress lifestyle.

Your ability to tolerate stress depends on many factors, including the quality of your relationships, your general outlook on life, your emotional intelligence, and genetics.

Things that influence your stress tolerance level

• Your support network – A strong network of supportive friends and family members is an enormous buffer against life’s stressors. On the flip side, the more lonely and isolated you are, the greater your vulnerability to stress.

• Your sense of control – If you have confidence in yourself and your ability to influence events and persevere through challenges, it’s easier to take stress in stride. People who are vulnerable to stress tend to feel like things are out of their control.

• Your attitude and outlook – Stress-hardy people have an optimistic attitude. They tend to embrace challenges, have a strong sense of humor, accept that change is a part of life, and believe in a higher power or purpose.

• Your ability to deal with your emotions. You’re extremely vulnerable to stress if you don’t know how to calm and soothe yourself when you’re feeling sad, angry, or afraid. The ability to bring your emotions into balance helps you bounce back from adversity.

• Your knowledge and preparation – The more you know about a stressful situation, including how long it will last and what to expect, the easier it is to cope. For example, if you go into surgery with a realistic picture of what to expect post-op, a painful recovery will be less traumatic than if you were expecting to bounce back immediately.

Am I in control of stress or is stress controlling me?

• When I feel agitated, do I know how to quickly calm and soothe myself?

• Can I easily let go of my anger?

• Can I turn to others at work to help me calm down and feel better?

• When I come home at night, do I walk in the door feeling alert and relaxed?

• Am I seldom distracted or moody?

• Am I able to recognize upsets that others seem to be experiencing?

• Do I easily turn to friends or family members for a calming influence?

• When my energy is low, do I know how to boost it?

Source: The Language of Emotional Intelligence by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.


Causes of stress


Top Ten Stressful Life Events

1. Spouse’s death

2. Divorce

3. Marriage separation

4. Jail term

5. Death of a close relative

6. Injury or illness

7. Marriage

8. Fired from job

9. Marriage reconciliation

10. Retirement

Source: Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory

The situations and pressures that cause stress are known as stressors. We usually think of stressors as being negative, such as an exhausting work schedule or a rocky relationship.

However, anything that puts high demands on you or forces you to adjust can be stressful. This includes positive events such as getting married, buying a house, going to college, or receiving a promotion.

What causes stress depends, at least in part, on your perception of it. Something that's stressful to you may not faze someone else; they may even enjoy it.

For example, your morning commute may make you anxious and tense because you worry that traffic will make you late. Others, however, may find the trip relaxing because they allow more than enough time and enjoy listening to music while they drive.

Common external causes of stress

Not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be self-generated:

• Major life changes

• Work

• Relationship difficulties • Financial problems

• Being too busy

• Children and family



Common internal causes of stress

Not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be self-generated:

• Inability to accept uncertainty

• Pessimism

• Negative self-talk • Unrealistic expectations

• Perfectionism

• Lack of assertiveness


What's Stressful For You?

What's stressful for you may be quite different from what's stressful to your best friend, your spouse, or the person next door. For example:

• Some people enjoy speaking in public; others are terrified.

• Some people are more productive under deadline pressure; others are miserably tense.

• Some people are eager to help family and friends through difficult times; others find it very stressful.

• Some people feel comfortable complaining about bad service in a restaurant; others find it so difficult to complain that they prefer to suffer in silence.

• Some people may feel that changes at work represent a welcome opportunity; others worry about whether they'll be able to cope.

Source: ehealthMD.com


Signs and symptoms of stress overload

It’s important to learn how to recognize when your stress levels are out of control. The most dangerous thing about stress is how easily it can creep up on you. You get used to it. It starts to feels familiar – even normal. You don’t notice how much it’s affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll.

The signs and symptoms of stress overload can be almost anything. Stress affects the mind, body, and behavior in many ways, and everyone experiences stress differently.

How do you respond to stress?

The following table lists some of the common warning signs and symptoms of stress. The more signs and symptoms you notice in yourself, the closer you may be to stress overload.

Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms

Cognitive Symptoms Emotional Symptoms

• Memory problems

• Inability to concentrate

• Poor judgment

• Seeing only the negative

• Anxious or racing thoughts

• Constant worrying

• Moodiness

• Irritability or short temper

• Agitation, inability to relax

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Sense of loneliness and isolation

• Depression or general unhappiness


Physical Symptoms Behavioral Symptoms

• Aches and pains

• Diarrhea or constipation

• Nausea, dizziness

• Chest pain, rapid heartbeat

• Loss of sex drive

• Frequent colds • Eating more or less

• Sleeping too much or too little

• Isolating yourself from others

• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities

• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax

• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Keep in mind that the signs and symptoms of stress can also be caused by other psychological and medical problems. If you’re experiencing any of the warning signs of stress, it’s important to see a doctor or a psychologist for a full evaluation.

Dealing with stress and its symptoms

While unchecked stress is undeniably damaging, there are many things you can do to reduce its impact and cope with symptoms.

Learn how to manage stress

You may feel like the stress in your life is out of your control, but you can always control the way you respond. Managing stress is all about taking charge: taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment, and the way you deal with problems. Stress management involves changing the stressful situation when you can, changing your reaction when you can’t, taking care of yourself, and making time for rest and relaxation.

No news is good news..

Whether in the car, work, cafes, at the hairdressers, online or in the comfort of your own home, it has never been easier to connect to the latest news. We are now exposed in a very short space of time to breaking news happening across the other side of the world. How does this actually help us? Very often it doesn't. If anything it can make us more fearful about the world in which we live. We hear about stabbings, bullying in schools, rape, burglaries and before we know it we are glancing over our shoulder as we walk down our street frozen with fear.

Crimes have always taken place since the beginning of time, but back then you would only be aware of crimes in your local community. Now however, we hear about crimes from all over and although crime statistics are relatively small in comparison to the general  population, we are nevertheles now far more paranoid and vigilant than ever before.

In our tech savvy world it is becoming harder and harder for the media to hold our attention for longer and in a bid to keep our attention they ensure that our evolotuniary buttons are being pressed. Brodie in the interesting book 'Virus of the Mind' discusses this at length and proposes that we have three evolutionary buttons which are based around:

• Fear
• Sex
• Food

Clearly if these needs are not met we fail to survive or reproduce. Now think about the news you hear and how these are nearly all interwoven into the story. These three 'buttons' are powerful ways to get our attention. Start to become aware of how heavily they are used and the feelings they conjure up as you heat them.

Be mindful of the information you allow yourself to be programmed by. Remember your time is valuable, so don't let the media use it up scaring you about things which are totally unrelated to you or may never happen. If you feel agitated, tired, sad or fearful after watching the news then stop watching it.

The 3 C's of Addiction

For many years, experts believed that addiction stemmed only from using powerful drugs or alcohol, however now it is recognised that excessive behaviours such as gambling, shopping, and sex also can lead to addiction. The hallmarks of these common problems are:

The 3 C’s:

1. craving for the object of addiction, which can be mild to intense
2. loss of control over the use of the object of addiction
3. continued engagement with the object of addiction despite adverse consequences

Several scientific advances have shaped our understanding of addiction. For example, new brain imaging technologies have revealed that our brains respond similarly to different pleasurable experiences, whether derived from drugs or behaviors. Genetic research has uncovered that some people are predisposed to addiction, but not to a specific type of addiction.

If you think you might have an addiction, seek help to get it under control. Don't let it control you. You deserve to lead an abundant and fun life and if your addiction is preventing you from this then take control.

Foods that harm, foods that heal

               Bombard with to much information regarding food? I am really interested in how food effects our emotions. As a coach I have seen clients who are feeling low, tired and lacking in energy. Besides tweaking their thought patterns and helping them to plan and organise their lives better, diet and exercise are imperative to seeing improvements in one's life. When a client adopts a healthier diet, the benefits reach far beyond the scales. They are more focused, confident and generally happier. Therefore I urge you to think about the food you are consuming.

The foods highlighted in brown are the one's that you should really limit. Start to be mindful of what is added to your food next time you are in the supermarket. You may think that you are buying a tin of tomatoes, but do you realise how much sugar and salt is added?

Wheat
Caffeine
Sugar
Dairy
Vegetables
Fruit
Wholefoods
Beans & pulses
Lean meat & and fresh fish

For more information I recommend the books listed. I have a copy of each and found them really helpful. Joshi's book really does live up to it's claims, one of which says "If no-one comments within two weeks on how great you're looking - you must be cheating."

Top 4 Reasons to Learn - Why enrolling in an Adult Education Class is a great idea

1. Increase your confidence
Doing a short course allows you to flourish in ways that you may have thought were not possible. Finally doing something that you have always wanted to do will help make you a happier and a more fun person to be around. This new lease of life is infectious and helps to encourage others to explore new possibilities. This in turn increases your confidence and makes you more interesting to others. Take the leap and you will not only meet likeminded classmates, but you may also surprise yourself when you realise how capable you are.

2. Learn a new skill
Ever wanted to learn how to play the harmonica, speak Italian, understand bookkeeping or improve your psychic abilities? Well now you can. Try something that you have always wanted to, but have dismissed it as unachievable or unrealistic. The beauty of a short course is that it allows you to dip your toe in to get a feel for it, without exposing yourself fully or paying hefty tuition fees.

3. Take time out for yourself
Whether you work, are retired, look after the family you deserve to take time out for nurturing you and only you. Make a commitment to yourself, rather than everyone else. Your family, friends and colleagues will benefit from your new found happiness. What’s a couple of hours a week out of your busy schedule? Ditch the television or the ironing for one night a week in exchange for gaining more clarity about who you are and what you enjoy doing. Go on your worth it.

4. Earn more money
Enrolling in a short course gives you the opportunity to gain more experience and maybe a qualification in your chosen career. Whether you want a promotion or are returning to work after a break, learning a new skill or improving on a familiar one, is a great way to help you earn what you’re worth. Who knows it may even enable you to change careers and do what you feel you were born to do.

Don’t put off an adult education course for another term, take the plunge now and reap the rewards in all areas of your life.

What is the best version of yourself?

When you are being the best version of yourself, what does your life look like?

When you are being the least liked version of yourself, what does your life look like?

What springs to mind? Write it down quickly without thinking to much about it. You may be surprised by your answers. Interestingly, when we are being the best version of ourselves other parts of our lives seem to follow suit. For example, managing household chores, our wellbeing, our work all seem to have a certain ease and grace which enables us to complete tasks effortlessly.

Thinking about the worst version of yourself helps you get perspective about areas of your life that are not working. This version of yourself no doubt limits you in so many ways and makes you unhappy and unmotivated. Therefore, if you know how good being the best version of yourself feels, why would you want to live your life any other way? The benefits of being the best version of yourself are endless and you deserve those benefits. You are worthy of great things.

If completing this little exercise has made you aware that you are not being the best version of yourself, then don't despair just start to make incremental changes towards your best self. Believe me if will eagerly repay you and help you along the way. Start by doing something small today towards regaining the best version of yourself. The key to regaining your best self is not to get overwhelmed, just take it slow and make tiny little changes daily. The changes that are required are different for everyone and you have an inner knowing as to what those changes should be.

Here's to being the best version of you!