Make Your Mark in 2011 - 8 Top Tips

Want to make changes in the coming year? Your not alone, each year 40% - 45% of adults make one or more resolution or goal for themselves. Some research suggests that 75% make it past the first week, and 46% make it past 6 months. Okay so alot of us break our resolutions, but statistics on New Year's resolutions show that setting goals for yourself is still a good idea because you are 10 times more likely to attain your goal, rather than people who don't explicitly make goals.

Top Tips for NY Resolutions:

1. Write down your goals - this helps you get clear about what you want.
2. Be as detailed as possible with the resolution you make, rather than just a vague statement like "I want to lose weight", be specific and say exactly how much by when.
3. Writing your goal as though it has already been achieved is a porwerful way to trick your mind into acting accordingly.
4. Make sure your goals excite you - this may sound obvious, but if you are not motivated and excited by your goals you are very unlikely to achieve them.
5. Put a plan in place once you have written down your resolutions about how you are going to achieve them.
6. Commit to mini goals along the way to celebrate your progress.
7. Don't become overwhelmed or use your goals as another way to undermine your self esteem if you don't reach them. Be kind yo yourself and make small changes that are sustainable.
8. Be clear about who you are making your NY Resolutions for and make them for you and not for the approval of others.

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day."   - Edith Lovejoy Pierce

Go for it and on a slightly funny note, take heed from the words of Bridget Jones and start your resolution on the 2nd of January!:

"I do think New Year's resolutions can't technically be expected to begin on New Year's Day, don't you? Since, because it's an extension of New Year's Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight with so much nicotine in the system. Also dieting on New Year's Day isn't a good idea as you can't eat rationally but really need to be free to consume whatever is necessary, moment by moment, in order to ease your hangover. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second."

- Helen Fielding, "Bridget Jones's Diary"

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY CLIENTS AND FRIENDS

What Drains You?

It is an unfortunate part of life that despite our best intentions, there may be people, places, events or things that sap your energy, erode your confidence and paralyse your dreams. You may get a sense that you are not really happy, but are unsure exactly what is preventing you from being happy. Read the statements below and think about the ones that apply to you. This exercise helps to highlight the areas of your life that may be draining you more than you realise:

Work

 • I no longer enjoy my job and have a hard time showing up each day

• My work is stressful and leaves me exhausted at the end of the day

• My desk is a mess, and I have trouble finding what I need

• I am avoiding a confrontation or conflict at work

• I tolerate bad behaviour from a boss or colleague

• I am not computer literate, and it gets in the way of my productivity

• I lack the proper office equipment that I need to do my job well

• My work does not allow me to express my creativity

• I know I need to delegate specific tasks, but am unable to let go of control

• I feel overwhelmed with the amount of information that enters my life in the form of books, magazines and email

• There are courses that I could take which would enhance my performance at work

• I stay in my current job only for the money

• I am fearful about losing my job



Relationships



• There are people in my life who continuously drain my energy

• I have unreturned phone calls, emails, or letter that need to be handled

• I have an unresolved conflict with a family member

• I lack quality friendships in my life

• I feel a void in my life created by the lack of a romantic partner

• There is someone I need to forgive

• There is a relationship I need to end

• There is a phone call I dread making, and it causes me stress and anxiety

• I’m currently involved in a relationship that compromises my values

• I miss being a part of a loving and supportive community

• I feel alone





Environment



• My car is in need of a cleaning and/or repair

• My wardrobe needs updating and/or alterations

• I would like to live in a different geographic location

• I have appliances that need repair or upgrading

• My home is not decorated in a way that nurtures me

• My wardrobes are cluttered and need to be cleaned

• Repairs need to be done around my home or apartment

• My home is cluttered and disorganised

• I miss having more beauty reflected in my environment

• I watch too much television



Body, Mind & Spirit



• I eat food that is not good for me

• I consume to much alcohol

• I load up on caffeine constantly

• Something about my physical appearance bothers me

• I do not get the sleep I need to feel fully rested

• I would like to exercise regularly but never seem to find the time

• I have a health concern for which I have avoided getting help

• I have emotional needs that consistently go unmet

• There are books that I would love to read, but never seem to find the time for

• I need to visit the dentist

• I lack personal interests that are intellectually stimulating

• I lack a spiritual or religious practice in my life



Money



• I have tax returns that are not filed or taxes that are not paid

• I pay my bills late

• I spend more than I earn

• I do not have a plan for my financial future

• My credit rating is not what I would like it to be

• I do not have a regular savings plan

• I do not have adequate insurance coverage

• My mortgage rate is too high, and I need to refinance

• I have debt that needs to be paid off

• I do not have a will or it is not up to date

If your current life does not reflect how you would like to live begin to make small changes and honour the person you would like to become. If you have lots of areas that are draining you ignoring them will only exacerbrate the situation. Seek support and make changes.

9 Habits that Age Us

Many of the habits we adopt have an impact on how fast we age and compromise our health, they include:

1. Stress
2. Smoking
3. Poor Sleep
4. Alcohol
5. Poor Diet
6. Sun Exposure
7. Not exercising
8. Resentment
9. Lack of Joy

All of the above effect not only how quickly our body can age, but also effect our skin. Many of the external decisions you make everyday have a huge effect on how you feel and look. Number 8 is worth a mention, as it has been shown that resentment can eat away at people and lead to a higher incidence of heart disease. So stop resenting others and track what you do want, not what others have or do.

"The way you think, the way you behave, the way you eat, can influence your life by 30 to 50 years."

Deepak Chopra

 Wishing you an ageless and fun filled day. 

Top 10 Unhelpful Thinking Styles

 When a client experiences an unhelpful emotion (eg, depression or anxiety), it is usually accompanied by unhelpful self-statements and thoughts. Often there is a pattern to such thoughts and they are called "unhelpful thinking styles". We often use unhelpful thinking styles as an automatic habit. It is something that happens without us payibg attention to it. However, when a person consistently and constantly uses some of these styles of thinking, they can often cause themselves a great deal of emotional distress. As you read through the following “unhelpful thinking styles”, you might notice some thinking patterns and styles that you use consistently. Some of these styles might sound similar to one another. They are not meant to be distinct categories, but to help you see if there is a kind of pattern to your thoughts.

Top 10 Unhelpful Thinking Styles:

Jumping to Conclusions:
We jump to conclusions when we assume that we know what someone else is thinking  (mind reading) and when we make predictions about what is going to happen in the future (predictive thinking).

Personalisation:
This involves blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong or could go wrong, even when you may only be partly responsible or not responsible at all. You might be taking 100% responsibility for the occurrence of external events.

Catastrophising:
Catastrophising occurs when we “blow things out of proportion“., and we view the situation as terrible, awful, dreadful, and horrible, even though the reality is that the problem itself is quite small.

Black & White Thinking:
This thinking style involves seeing only one extreme or the other. You are either wrong or right, good or bad and so on. There are no inbetweens or shades of gray

Mental Filter:
This thinking styles involves a "filtering in" and "filtering out" process – a sort of "tunnel vision," focusing on only one part of a situation and ignoring the rest. Usually this means looking at the negative parts of a situation and forgetting the positive parts, and the whole picture is coloured by what may be a single negative detail.

Shoulding and Musting:
Sometimes by saying “I should…” or “I must…” you can put unreasonable demands or pressure on yourself and others. Although these statements are not always unhelpful (eg “I should not get drunk and drive home”), they can sometimes create unrealistic expectations.

Overgeneralisation:
When we overgeneralise, we take one instance in the past or present, and impose it on all current or future situations. If we say “You always…” or “Everyone…”, or “I never…” then we are probably overgeneralising.

Labelling:
We label ourselves and others when we make global statements based on behaviour in specific situations. We might use this label even though there are many more examples that aren’t consistent with that label.

Emotional Reasoning:
This thinking style involves basing your view of situations or yourself on the way you are feeling. For example, the only evidence that something bad is going to happen is that you feel like something bad is going to happen.

Magnification and Minimisation:
In this thinking style, you magnify the positive attributes of other people and minimise your own positive attributes. It’s as though you’re explaining away your own positive characteristics.

Becoming aware of the patterns you use can help you minimise the power they have over you.

I'll be happy when.....

1. Happiness is your nature. It is not the fruit of something you do; it is the essence of who you are.

2. Discovering your innate happiness and well-being is the key to creating what you really want in the world around you.

 

 

Here is a great extract from Supercoach Micheal Neil's book: 'You Can Have What You Want' about being happy NOW:

 

Most people’s goals in life are made up of the things they believe will ‘make’ them happy. But as one of my business partners once said to me, ‘If the bottom line is so important, why is at the bottom?’

 

 In other words, if what we really want is happiness, why don’t we start there?

Having now asked this question of thousands of people, the answers generally come down to one of what I consider to be the greatest myth in Western civilization…

 
I’ll be happy when I get what I want.

 

This idea has been with us for thousands of years and is endemic throughout all mythology, ancient and modern – that when you battle with a dragon and win, you get the princess and you live happily ever after. Or if you are the princess, you just need to be patient long enough and someday your prince will come and then you’ll live happily ever after.

 

 In fact, people are often willing to endure great hardship on the way to success because they just know there’s a pot of gold at the end of their rainbow – and they plan on using that pot of gold to buy the feelings of happiness and fulfillment that they really want.

 

 To give yourself a sense of how this myth might be active in your own life, think about three or four ways you could finish this sentence:

I’ll be happy when...

I’ll be happy when I’ve got enough money.

I’ll be happy when I’m in a loving relationship.

I’ll be happy when I get a better job.

I’ll be happy when my boss/co-worker/friend stops being such a jerk.

 

Whatever you’re putting between you and being happy in this very moment is a by-product of the myth of happiness: the idea that when you finally sort out your outer life, your inner life will take care of itself.

 

But the truth beyond the myth is simple yet profound:

 

If you’re doing things in order to be happy,

you’re doing them in the wrong order!

 

When you make happiness your number one priority and allow yourself to follow your ‘happy wanting’, success is not only more likely, attaining it is much more fun.

 

As Albert Schweitzer said:

 

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

 

 

 

Meditation Increases Your Attention Span

In research inspired by Buddhist monks, a new study has found that meditation can seemingly help increase a person's attention span.

The study included 60 people who had previously attended meditation retreats and were familiar with the practice. The researchers assigned half of the participants to study Buddhist meditation for three months at a retreat in Colorado, while the other half waited their turn and acted as a control group.

At three points during the retreat, participants took a computer test designed to measure their ability to make fine visual distinctions and sustain visual attention. As the meditation retreat progressed, the participants showed improvements in their ability to sustain visual attention. This improvement continued for five months after the retreat had ended, especially among those who continued to meditate every day, the study authors found.

"People may think meditation is something that makes you feel good, and going on a meditation retreat is like going on vacation, and you get to be at peace with yourself. That's what people think until they try it. Then you realize how challenging it is to just sit and observe something without being distracted," study author Katherine MacLean said in an Association for Psychological Science news release.

MacLean conducted the study while a graduate student at the University of California, Davis.
The study findings were published in the June issue of the journal Psychological Science.
More information: The U.S. National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine has http://nccam.nih.gov/health/meditation/overview.htm. © 2010 HealthDay

I love this quote, "A free and silent mind is always meditating". Unknown

I know how difficult it can be to find the time and motivation to meditate, but give it a go in the coming days. Just set aside five minutes to sit with yourself and just be.

Would you speak to others the way you speak to yourself?

"Thinking: the talking of the soul within itself." Plato

What do you tell yourself everyday? Is it:

1. kind?
2. true? 
3. helpful?

If it is none of these then become more mindful of the way that you talk to yourself. There is little point in being an enemy with yourself Your mind begins to believe what you tell it, so shower it with love and praise. What resides in you is unique and has great untapped potential.

In my experience working with clients, negative self talk is the number one thing that holds them back. They berate themselves about things that they should or should not have done. Often we paralyse ourselves before we have got off the starting blocks. If you are consumed with self doubt and criticism begin to become aware of the tapes you play over and over in your mind and use the three questions above to determine whether they are useful or not. If they no longer serves you then replace them with positive statements. This takes time, but as they say practice makes perfect.

Unleash The Mighty Toddler Within

We are born with an ability to get all of our needs met, be it a clean nappy, milk, cuddles, comfort, attention etc. As newborns when we became aware of our empty tummy we would wail excessively, prompting our caregiver into action. This is because our survival depended on it. Then as we became toddlers we have a supreme sense of self worth which allows us to engage with the world expecting to get our needs fulfilled. At this age we more often than not get exactly what we desire. To see this in action, watch a toddler decide that they want a certain toy. Very little will prevent them from getting it!

We can learn a lot from the behaviour of children and how we can incorporate some of their determination and focus into our own lives.

You know the drill, you decide that you are sick and tired of the way things have been and make a pact with yourself to make some changes. You may even write your goals down and have great intentions of achieving them. You can feel that you are on the brink of living a truly awesome life and can taste the sweet smell of success and then what happens? You hit a roadblock and instead of seeing this for what it is, a minor setback which needs a solution, it stops you in your tracks and you retreat into the comfort and often boredom of your everyday life, less determined to step outside of your comfort zone again!

Life was not intended to be lived this way. People who lead amazing lives take risks and are willing to stretch themselves regularly in many aspects of their lives. They are also less likely to be swayed by other people’s opinions, much like the mighty toddler. Many of us feel inspired to live our lives in a certain one or do something which we really enjoy, but stop short of actually doing it for fear of rejection or what others may think or say about us. As the adage goes ‘most people are too busy thinking about themselves to worry about what you’re thinking’. So if you know you are guilty of this, remember it is never too late to become who you might have been.

Unleash the mighty toddler within you and get what you want.

A Quick Read About Feeling & Being Happier

10 Steps Toward Feeling Happier


An interesting article by psychotherapist Linda Laffey

1. Make the decision to be happy

Life will continue to challenge all of us with its bumps in the road some big, some small. It is your attitude and how you choose to negotiate those bumps that determine how you feel. Adopting an attitude of appreciation for everything you have, and recognizing that you always have a choice about how to respond to external circumstances can contribute significantly to feeling happier.

2. Cultivate a sense of connection

Examine the relationships in your life? at home, at work, and socially. Do you feel connected to the people in your life in a healthy and satisfying way? Do you feel connected to yourself? Through reading, taking a class, meditation, spiritual exploration, therapy, and communicating with others, you can deepen your sense of connection and well-being.


3. Focus on forgiveness of yourself and others
This can be very challenging at times; especially when you feel someone has done something that seems unforgivable. The forgiveness, however, is for you, not for them. It frees your mental and emotional energy to blissfully go forward in your life. There is a saying: 'Holding onto resentment is like letting someone else live rent-free in your head.'

4. Set short-term and long-term goals for making your dreams a reality

Goal-setting gives you something to look forward to, something to work toward, and creates structure in your day-to-day life. As each step along the way is completed, you experience a sense of pride and accomplishment.


5. Find fulfilling work
Having an occupation that you enjoy and has meaning for you gives you a sense of purpose and can be deeply satisfying. If the work you are currently involved in falls short of this criteria, you may want to look at the possibilities for making a change at some point. If changing jobs is not practical, perhaps you could find a volunteer position or hobby that would meet the same criteria.


6. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually
The health of your body enormously impacts happiness. Proper nutrition, regular sleep, and daily exercise that you find enjoyable are essential. Stress reduction through conscious schedule planning, breathing exercises, and meditation can make a tremendous difference. If you already have a spiritual practice or affiliation, seek to deepen it. If you don?t have one, you may want to explore those that interest you to find one that fits for you. Remembering your spirit, feeding, nurturing, and satisfying your soul can greatly increase your feeling of happiness.

7. Be honest with yourself and others
Congruence is the agreement between who you are, what you think and say you want, and your actions. As you become more connected with yourself, your goals, and your self-care improves, chances are you will find it increasingly easier to be genuine and authentic with others. When you really know who you are, what you want, and you are being true to yourself with actions that match, your happiness quotient will go up dramatically.


8. Be open to learning, growing and creating.

Continually expanding your mind through learning can increase your sense of self-confidence. Minds are kept young and sharp by continual use, and mentally active people live longer. Learning is as important to your brain as exercise is to your body. The more you learn, the more aspects of life you can be aware of, appreciate, and enjoy.

9. Manage your money wisely

If you are not already doing so, you can improve your money management by disciplining yourself to save money, keeping expenses low, evaluating your budget regularly, and using extra caution to consider expenses involved prior to starting a family, buying a home or making other large purchases. The old saying, ‘Money can’t buy happiness’ is not entirely true. We need money to pay for food, housing, transportation, and all other necessities for survival and comfort. Financial security is defined as the point at which a person has enough savings or regular income to support a comfortable lifestyle. ‘Comfortable’ means different things to different people. There are two ways to experience being rich: To have great wealth or to be content with what you already have. Once the basics of survival and reasonable comfort have been satisfied, your attitude regarding money becomes much more important than the size of your financial portfolio. Those who know how to use money well in the promotion of happiness are way ahead of those who think they need more.


10. Step out of your comfort zone in the pursuit of pleasure
Most of us tend to become creatures of habit. We eat the foods we like over and over, watch the same television shows week after week, frequent the same restaurants and theatres, and even choose the same vacation spots each year. What we once loved becomes comfortable, familiar, and eventually boring. If you feel stuck in a rut, make a conscious effort to add variety to your life. Try a new restaurant, plan a new and adventurous vacation, visit a museum you’ve never been to, or sign up for that dance class you’ve been thinking about taking. The possibilities are endless, and so are the rewards.

Addicted Too...

Regardless of whether you are addicted to shopping, drugs, food, drink, porn, technology, exercise, gambling or caffeine the symptoms tend to be pretty much the same.

A good way to measure the severity of your addiction or habit is to think about how you would feel if you could not have or do the particular activity. Does the thought of this freak you out? If so, this is a sign that you are dependent on your vice more than maybe you should be. The above examples are all things which are freely available in our world and we have access to. You may partake in some or all of these activities regularly, but feel that you could do without them. However, over time we may need to do more of a certain thing to get the same high.

Next time you reach for your fix, pause and assess what is happening at that exact moment. Has a disgruntled customer infuriated you? Your spouse irritated you? The traffic ground to a halt? Someone insulted you? You're bored, lonely, afraid, stressed? Whatever it is, let the feelings associated with that situation come up. Now think about alternatives to reaching for your fix. Be honest you know that your fix will not fix the situation, just numb it for a while.

Have the courage and conviction to admit your addiction and then begin to make small changes to overcome it. Seek help from a trained professional.

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within.  R. Anderson

Banishing the Blues Using Exercise

A recent large scale Gallup survey found that participants who report not having exercised at all in the past week are almost twice as likely to report having been diagnosed with depression as those who report having exercised five to six days.

In the past decade, researchers have conducted studies that follow depressed people over time. Such studies indicate that exercise can ease feelings of depression and improve mood.

Therefore if you are feeling blue, often the last thing you feel like doing is exercising, but trust me your mind will thank you for it. Just a walk around the block, a gentle swim or a yoga class will help banish negative thoughts and release much needed endorphins (the feel good chemical). Exercising also helps you focus on something else for a while. The health benefits of exercise have been well documented, but now we know that exercise has many psychological and emotional benefits too. As the Mayo Clinic (http://www.mayoclinic.com/) reported it can help you:

Gain confidence
Meeting exercise goals or challenges, even small ones, can boost your self-confidence. Getting in shape can also make you feel better about your appearance.
Take your mind off worries
Exercise is a distraction that can get you away from the cycle of negative thoughts that feed anxiety and depression.
Get more social interaction
Exercise may give you the chance to meet or socialize with others. Just exchanging a friendly smile or greeting as you walk around your neighborhood can help your mood.
Cope in a healthy way
Doing something positive to manage anxiety or depression is a healthy coping strategy. Trying to feel better by drinking alcohol, dwelling on how badly you feel, or hoping anxiety or depression will go away on their own can lead to worsening symptoms.

How do I get started — and stay motivated?

Starting and sticking with an exercise routine can be a challenge. Here are some steps that can help. Check with your doctor before starting a new exercise program to make sure it's safe for you.

Identify what you enjoy doing. Figure out what type of physical activities you're most likely to do, and think about when and how you'd be most likely to follow through. For instance, would you be more likely to do some gardening in the evening or go for a walk early morning? Go for a bike ride or play football with your children after school? Do what you enjoy and not what you think you should do.

Set reasonable goals. Your mission doesn't have to be walking for an hour five days a week. Think realistically about what you may be able to do. Tailor your plan to your own needs and abilities rather than trying to meet unrealistic guidelines.

Don't think of exercise as a chore. If exercise is just another "should" in your life that you don't think you're living up to, you'll associate it with failure. Rather, look at exercise as a gift to yourself.

Address your barriers. Figure out what's stopping you from exercising. If you feel self-conscious, for instance, you may want to exercise at home. If you stick to goals better with a partner, find a friend to work out with. If you think about what's stopping you from exercising, you can probably find an alternative solution.

Prepare for setbacks and obstacles. Give yourself credit for every step in the right direction, no matter how small. Go for it.

Why Work & Wellbeing are Related

Most of us equate wellbeing with wealth and health, but that's not the whole story, according to Gallup's comprehensive study of people in more than 150 countries which revealed five universal, interconnected elements that shape our lives .

Extract taken from interview with Rath and Harter, Gallup Management Journal http://gmj.gallup.com/content/127643/Wellbeing-Need-Thrive.aspx

For more than 50 years, Gallup scientists have been exploring the demands of a life well-lived. More recently, in partnership with leading economists, psychologists, and other acclaimed scientists, Gallup has uncovered the common elements of wellbeing that transcend countries and cultures. This research revealed the universal elements of wellbeing that differentiate a thriving life from one spent suffering. They represent five broad categories that are essential to most people:

Career Wellbeing
How you occupy your time or simply liking what you do every day
Social Wellbeing
Having strong relationships and love in your life
Financial Wellbeing
Effectively managing your economic life
Physical Wellbeing
Having good health and enough energy to get things done on a daily basis
Community Wellbeing
The sense of engagement you have with the area where you live
 
Career Wellbeing is probably the most underestimated of the elements. When you ask people what affects their wellbeing most, they think of health and wealth. Even though people spend more of their waking hours at work than anywhere else, people underestimate how work influences their overall wellbeing and daily experience.

All the aspects overlap. But when we were studying Career Wellbeing around the world, we quickly found that this element is much broader than the traditional workplace. It's more about interest and purpose and whether people have a chance to use their strengths regularly. Along with studying people with traditional careers, we studied students, stay-at-home parents, retirees, volunteers, and people without a regular nine-to-five job. In any of these life situations, there are many people with thriving Career Wellbeing, and there are also many who are struggling.

When people think about work in general, they often think of it as a burden or something they have to do for money. Regardless of how much we've studied and talked about engagement and its importance - and quality of the workplace and its importance - most people think of work as a chore, not something that benefits their wellbeing.

Work is crucial to how we relate to people and evaluate our lives at a very basic level, so ensure you are happy at work and if not make changes to improve your Career Wellbeing. Our wellbeing is related to each of the five elements and underlying these there is often a deep spiritual connection or intuition which drives all these elements to fuse together.

Lightbulb Moments

We all have experienced lightbulb moments where things just fall into place or we see things with a new insight which we never had before. Often we chase after these moments particulalry when we feel that the missing piece is just out of reach. We may go to a health retreat, a church, take a vacation, see a therapist, read, journal, but more often than not:

“You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quite still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice. It will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”Franz Kafka

Give it a go today and see what happens, even just for two minutes. Let go and let the lightbulb shine itself on you. We all having an inner knowing which if given the chance to be uncovered will support us deeply.

Learning from your Parents

Are you spending your life not being who you truly want to be. Do you only act in ways that you think people expect you to? Over the years we have been conditioned to conform to ideals, often set by our parents. These ideals are often outdated and may no longer serve you as an adult. Our parents did the best they knew how with what they had at the time and you will do the same. If you find yourself going over things your parents did or said or indeed things that you think they should have done or said, then resist doing this. You are an adult now and need to take responsibility for the way your life is today. I recognise for some people this is hard to hear, but it is imperative you forgive or forget the actions of your parents in order to thrive today.

Another way in which we are also often deeply affected by our parents is in the form of 'carried shame', a term coined by the psychotherapist Pia Mellody. This is when we feel guilt or shame for the actions of our parents. We were not responsible for what our parents did when we were growing up. We may feel that they did not achieve enough, were not good enough, made poor choices or did not do enough for us. Whatever it is we often carry shame that actually does not belong to us. Your parents may very well feel shame and guilt for certain way in which they raised you, but why should you?

Heal the wounds from the past in order to move on to the wonderful future you deserve.

Feeling Stressed?

Having conducted research on stress and taught the subject for many years I am still surprised by how little people actually understand and more importantly the huge negative effects it can have on one's life. So here is an in-depth look at stress.

Life can be full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands. Is stress is so familiar to you that it has become a way of life? Stress isn’t always negative. In small doses, it can help you perform under pressure and motivate you to achieve great things. But when you’re constantly running in emergency mode, your mind and body pay the price.

If you frequently find yourself feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, it’s time to take action to bring your nervous system back into balance. You can protect yourself by learning how to recognize the signs and symptoms of stress and begin to take steps to reduce its harmful effects.

Stress Definition

"Stress is the body's reaction to a change that requires a physical, mental or emotional adjustment or response. Stress can come from any situation or thought that makes you feel frustrated, angry, nervous, or anxious."

The Body’s Stress Response


When you perceive a threat, your nervous system responds by releasing a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones rouse the body for emergency action.

Your heart pounds faster, muscles tighten, blood pressure rises, breath quickens, and your senses become sharper. These physical changes increase your strength and stamina, speed your reaction time, and enhance your focus – preparing you to either fight or flee from the danger at hand.

Stress is a normal physical response to events that make you feel threatened or upset your balance in some way. When you sense danger – whether it’s real or imagined – the body's defenses kick into high gear in a rapid, automatic process known as the “fight-or-flight” reaction, or the stress response.

The stress response is the body’s way of protecting you. When working properly, it helps you stay focused, energetic, and alert. In emergency situations, stress can save your life – giving you extra strength to defend yourself, for example, or spurring you to slam on the brakes to avoid an accident.

The stress response also helps you rise to meet challenges. Stress is what keeps you on your toes during a presentation at work, sharpens your concentration when you’re attempting the game-winning free throw, or drives you to study for an exam when you'd rather be watching TV.

But beyond a certain point, stress stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life.

Effects of chronic stress

The body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats. When you’re stressed over a busy schedule, an argument with a friend, a traffic jam, or a mountain of bills, your body reacts just as strongly as if you were facing a life-or-death situation. If you have a lot of responsibilities and worries, your emergency stress response may be “on” most of the time. The more your body’s stress system is activated, the easier it is to trip and the harder it is to shut off.

Long-term exposure to stress can lead to serious health problems. Chronic stress disrupts nearly every system in your body. It can raise blood pressure, suppress the immune system, increase the risk of heart attack and stroke, contribute to infertility, and speed up the aging process. Long-term stress can even rewire the brain, leaving you more vulnerable to anxiety and depression.

Many health problems are caused or exacerbated by stress, including:

• Pain of any kind

• Heart disease

• Digestive problems

• Sleep problems • Depression

• Obesity

• Autoimmune diseases

• Skin conditions, such as eczema


How much stress is too much?

Because of the widespread damage stress can cause, it’s important to know your own limit. But just how much stress is “too much” differs from person to person. Some people roll with the punches, while others crumble at the slightest obstacle or frustration. Some people even seem to thrive on the excitement and challenge of a high-stress lifestyle.

Your ability to tolerate stress depends on many factors, including the quality of your relationships, your general outlook on life, your emotional intelligence, and genetics.

Things that influence your stress tolerance level

• Your support network – A strong network of supportive friends and family members is an enormous buffer against life’s stressors. On the flip side, the more lonely and isolated you are, the greater your vulnerability to stress.

• Your sense of control – If you have confidence in yourself and your ability to influence events and persevere through challenges, it’s easier to take stress in stride. People who are vulnerable to stress tend to feel like things are out of their control.

• Your attitude and outlook – Stress-hardy people have an optimistic attitude. They tend to embrace challenges, have a strong sense of humor, accept that change is a part of life, and believe in a higher power or purpose.

• Your ability to deal with your emotions. You’re extremely vulnerable to stress if you don’t know how to calm and soothe yourself when you’re feeling sad, angry, or afraid. The ability to bring your emotions into balance helps you bounce back from adversity.

• Your knowledge and preparation – The more you know about a stressful situation, including how long it will last and what to expect, the easier it is to cope. For example, if you go into surgery with a realistic picture of what to expect post-op, a painful recovery will be less traumatic than if you were expecting to bounce back immediately.

Am I in control of stress or is stress controlling me?

• When I feel agitated, do I know how to quickly calm and soothe myself?

• Can I easily let go of my anger?

• Can I turn to others at work to help me calm down and feel better?

• When I come home at night, do I walk in the door feeling alert and relaxed?

• Am I seldom distracted or moody?

• Am I able to recognize upsets that others seem to be experiencing?

• Do I easily turn to friends or family members for a calming influence?

• When my energy is low, do I know how to boost it?

Source: The Language of Emotional Intelligence by Jeanne Segal, Ph.D.


Causes of stress


Top Ten Stressful Life Events

1. Spouse’s death

2. Divorce

3. Marriage separation

4. Jail term

5. Death of a close relative

6. Injury or illness

7. Marriage

8. Fired from job

9. Marriage reconciliation

10. Retirement

Source: Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory

The situations and pressures that cause stress are known as stressors. We usually think of stressors as being negative, such as an exhausting work schedule or a rocky relationship.

However, anything that puts high demands on you or forces you to adjust can be stressful. This includes positive events such as getting married, buying a house, going to college, or receiving a promotion.

What causes stress depends, at least in part, on your perception of it. Something that's stressful to you may not faze someone else; they may even enjoy it.

For example, your morning commute may make you anxious and tense because you worry that traffic will make you late. Others, however, may find the trip relaxing because they allow more than enough time and enjoy listening to music while they drive.

Common external causes of stress

Not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be self-generated:

• Major life changes

• Work

• Relationship difficulties • Financial problems

• Being too busy

• Children and family



Common internal causes of stress

Not all stress is caused by external factors. Stress can also be self-generated:

• Inability to accept uncertainty

• Pessimism

• Negative self-talk • Unrealistic expectations

• Perfectionism

• Lack of assertiveness


What's Stressful For You?

What's stressful for you may be quite different from what's stressful to your best friend, your spouse, or the person next door. For example:

• Some people enjoy speaking in public; others are terrified.

• Some people are more productive under deadline pressure; others are miserably tense.

• Some people are eager to help family and friends through difficult times; others find it very stressful.

• Some people feel comfortable complaining about bad service in a restaurant; others find it so difficult to complain that they prefer to suffer in silence.

• Some people may feel that changes at work represent a welcome opportunity; others worry about whether they'll be able to cope.

Source: ehealthMD.com


Signs and symptoms of stress overload

It’s important to learn how to recognize when your stress levels are out of control. The most dangerous thing about stress is how easily it can creep up on you. You get used to it. It starts to feels familiar – even normal. You don’t notice how much it’s affecting you, even as it takes a heavy toll.

The signs and symptoms of stress overload can be almost anything. Stress affects the mind, body, and behavior in many ways, and everyone experiences stress differently.

How do you respond to stress?

The following table lists some of the common warning signs and symptoms of stress. The more signs and symptoms you notice in yourself, the closer you may be to stress overload.

Stress Warning Signs and Symptoms

Cognitive Symptoms Emotional Symptoms

• Memory problems

• Inability to concentrate

• Poor judgment

• Seeing only the negative

• Anxious or racing thoughts

• Constant worrying

• Moodiness

• Irritability or short temper

• Agitation, inability to relax

• Feeling overwhelmed

• Sense of loneliness and isolation

• Depression or general unhappiness


Physical Symptoms Behavioral Symptoms

• Aches and pains

• Diarrhea or constipation

• Nausea, dizziness

• Chest pain, rapid heartbeat

• Loss of sex drive

• Frequent colds • Eating more or less

• Sleeping too much or too little

• Isolating yourself from others

• Procrastinating or neglecting responsibilities

• Using alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs to relax

• Nervous habits (e.g. nail biting, pacing)

Keep in mind that the signs and symptoms of stress can also be caused by other psychological and medical problems. If you’re experiencing any of the warning signs of stress, it’s important to see a doctor or a psychologist for a full evaluation.

Dealing with stress and its symptoms

While unchecked stress is undeniably damaging, there are many things you can do to reduce its impact and cope with symptoms.

Learn how to manage stress

You may feel like the stress in your life is out of your control, but you can always control the way you respond. Managing stress is all about taking charge: taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment, and the way you deal with problems. Stress management involves changing the stressful situation when you can, changing your reaction when you can’t, taking care of yourself, and making time for rest and relaxation.

No news is good news..

Whether in the car, work, cafes, at the hairdressers, online or in the comfort of your own home, it has never been easier to connect to the latest news. We are now exposed in a very short space of time to breaking news happening across the other side of the world. How does this actually help us? Very often it doesn't. If anything it can make us more fearful about the world in which we live. We hear about stabbings, bullying in schools, rape, burglaries and before we know it we are glancing over our shoulder as we walk down our street frozen with fear.

Crimes have always taken place since the beginning of time, but back then you would only be aware of crimes in your local community. Now however, we hear about crimes from all over and although crime statistics are relatively small in comparison to the general  population, we are nevertheles now far more paranoid and vigilant than ever before.

In our tech savvy world it is becoming harder and harder for the media to hold our attention for longer and in a bid to keep our attention they ensure that our evolotuniary buttons are being pressed. Brodie in the interesting book 'Virus of the Mind' discusses this at length and proposes that we have three evolutionary buttons which are based around:

• Fear
• Sex
• Food

Clearly if these needs are not met we fail to survive or reproduce. Now think about the news you hear and how these are nearly all interwoven into the story. These three 'buttons' are powerful ways to get our attention. Start to become aware of how heavily they are used and the feelings they conjure up as you heat them.

Be mindful of the information you allow yourself to be programmed by. Remember your time is valuable, so don't let the media use it up scaring you about things which are totally unrelated to you or may never happen. If you feel agitated, tired, sad or fearful after watching the news then stop watching it.

The 3 C's of Addiction

For many years, experts believed that addiction stemmed only from using powerful drugs or alcohol, however now it is recognised that excessive behaviours such as gambling, shopping, and sex also can lead to addiction. The hallmarks of these common problems are:

The 3 C’s:

1. craving for the object of addiction, which can be mild to intense
2. loss of control over the use of the object of addiction
3. continued engagement with the object of addiction despite adverse consequences

Several scientific advances have shaped our understanding of addiction. For example, new brain imaging technologies have revealed that our brains respond similarly to different pleasurable experiences, whether derived from drugs or behaviors. Genetic research has uncovered that some people are predisposed to addiction, but not to a specific type of addiction.

If you think you might have an addiction, seek help to get it under control. Don't let it control you. You deserve to lead an abundant and fun life and if your addiction is preventing you from this then take control.

Foods that harm, foods that heal

               Bombard with to much information regarding food? I am really interested in how food effects our emotions. As a coach I have seen clients who are feeling low, tired and lacking in energy. Besides tweaking their thought patterns and helping them to plan and organise their lives better, diet and exercise are imperative to seeing improvements in one's life. When a client adopts a healthier diet, the benefits reach far beyond the scales. They are more focused, confident and generally happier. Therefore I urge you to think about the food you are consuming.

The foods highlighted in brown are the one's that you should really limit. Start to be mindful of what is added to your food next time you are in the supermarket. You may think that you are buying a tin of tomatoes, but do you realise how much sugar and salt is added?

Wheat
Caffeine
Sugar
Dairy
Vegetables
Fruit
Wholefoods
Beans & pulses
Lean meat & and fresh fish

For more information I recommend the books listed. I have a copy of each and found them really helpful. Joshi's book really does live up to it's claims, one of which says "If no-one comments within two weeks on how great you're looking - you must be cheating."

Top 4 Reasons to Learn - Why enrolling in an Adult Education Class is a great idea

1. Increase your confidence
Doing a short course allows you to flourish in ways that you may have thought were not possible. Finally doing something that you have always wanted to do will help make you a happier and a more fun person to be around. This new lease of life is infectious and helps to encourage others to explore new possibilities. This in turn increases your confidence and makes you more interesting to others. Take the leap and you will not only meet likeminded classmates, but you may also surprise yourself when you realise how capable you are.

2. Learn a new skill
Ever wanted to learn how to play the harmonica, speak Italian, understand bookkeeping or improve your psychic abilities? Well now you can. Try something that you have always wanted to, but have dismissed it as unachievable or unrealistic. The beauty of a short course is that it allows you to dip your toe in to get a feel for it, without exposing yourself fully or paying hefty tuition fees.

3. Take time out for yourself
Whether you work, are retired, look after the family you deserve to take time out for nurturing you and only you. Make a commitment to yourself, rather than everyone else. Your family, friends and colleagues will benefit from your new found happiness. What’s a couple of hours a week out of your busy schedule? Ditch the television or the ironing for one night a week in exchange for gaining more clarity about who you are and what you enjoy doing. Go on your worth it.

4. Earn more money
Enrolling in a short course gives you the opportunity to gain more experience and maybe a qualification in your chosen career. Whether you want a promotion or are returning to work after a break, learning a new skill or improving on a familiar one, is a great way to help you earn what you’re worth. Who knows it may even enable you to change careers and do what you feel you were born to do.

Don’t put off an adult education course for another term, take the plunge now and reap the rewards in all areas of your life.

What is the best version of yourself?

When you are being the best version of yourself, what does your life look like?

When you are being the least liked version of yourself, what does your life look like?

What springs to mind? Write it down quickly without thinking to much about it. You may be surprised by your answers. Interestingly, when we are being the best version of ourselves other parts of our lives seem to follow suit. For example, managing household chores, our wellbeing, our work all seem to have a certain ease and grace which enables us to complete tasks effortlessly.

Thinking about the worst version of yourself helps you get perspective about areas of your life that are not working. This version of yourself no doubt limits you in so many ways and makes you unhappy and unmotivated. Therefore, if you know how good being the best version of yourself feels, why would you want to live your life any other way? The benefits of being the best version of yourself are endless and you deserve those benefits. You are worthy of great things.

If completing this little exercise has made you aware that you are not being the best version of yourself, then don't despair just start to make incremental changes towards your best self. Believe me if will eagerly repay you and help you along the way. Start by doing something small today towards regaining the best version of yourself. The key to regaining your best self is not to get overwhelmed, just take it slow and make tiny little changes daily. The changes that are required are different for everyone and you have an inner knowing as to what those changes should be.

Here's to being the best version of you!

The Importance of Sleep

Why Do We Sleep?

Philosophers, scientists, psychologists and researchers have struggled with this question for centuries. We do know that it assists our body in recuperating from the day’s activities.

A brain imaging study at Harvard Medical School found that sleep deprivation effects the emotional brain by excessively boosting the part of the brain most closely connected to feelings of depression and anxiety. Whereas a good night’s sleep helps you regulate your mood and cope with the coming day’s challenges.

Sleep has recently been linked to learning and memory. New findings, in animals and humans, suggest that sleep plays a critical role in storing important memories, both intellectual and physical, and also seeing subtle connections that may not be apparent during waking. Therefore there may be something in it when peoples say “sleep on it.”

So we know the importance of sleep, but that does not necessarily mean we get enough of it. A recent survey conducted by the American National Sleep Foundation of more than 1000 participants found that:

50 % suffer insomnia symptoms twice a week
40% are spending less time asleep
33% often wake up during the night
60% do not get the recommended 8 hrs sleep
31% sleep less than 7 hrs a night
§ 22% are so tired it interferes with daily activities twice a week
If you can relate to any of these statistics, you can make simple changes to see radical results.

Top Tips for Good Sleep:

1. Exercise your body as well as your mind daily, ensuring you are physically as well as mentally tired.
2. Avoid caffeine four hours before bedtime as it can interfere with sleep.
3. Go to bed and get up at the same time daily.
4. Only sleep and make love in your bedroom.
5. Have a routine before bed to relax, such as taking a bath or lighting a candle.
6. Ensure your bedroom is peaceful, clean and somewhere you want to spend time.

Happy sleeping!

Are emails taking over your life?

Clients that I have coached have often cited being overwhelmed by emails as a cause of stress in the workplace. Sound familiar?

It is very hard to be productive and creative whilst reading emails that are often of no relevance to you. Now more than ever we are inundated with emails from friends, strangers, colleagues and they not only clog up your inbox, they also waste your valuable time as you sift through to find the emails that are actually relevant.

How often have you missed a vital email which actually contains much needed information? If so then my top 10 tips below will get you organised:

1. Respond to emails as you read them, that way you only read them once. If you require further information, call the person directly and get what you need.

2. Set aside 15-30 minutes a day to sift through your emails.

3. Be ruthless and delete emails that are not relevant.

4. Spend a little time organising your email facility, so you can swiftly put emails into different folders.

5. If you have colleagues that CC you on everything, when it is not necessary then kindly ask them not to.

6. If you have an alert facility on your computer, iphone or blackberry turn it off. Choose a time when is convenient for you to read your emails, rather then being sidetracked from what you are doing.

7. Resist the temptation to read or respond to emails when not at work unless absolutely necessary. You may think this is harmless, but it makes it more difficult to turn off from work and be in the present moment.

8. Think about spam in the same way as you do junk mail which you receive through the post. Most of us hardly notice this type of mail and just put it straight in the recycling bin.

9. Try to resist the temptation to read emails that contain jokes or are chain emails as they not only distract you from working productively, but also eat into your time often without you realising.

10. Think before you press send. If you have written an email in haste, put it in your draft section and re-read it later in the day before you send it.

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.” -
Benjamin Franklin

The Power of Intention

“Intention is the starting point of every spiritual path. It is the force that fulfils all of our needs, whether for money, relationships, spiritual awakening, or love. Intention generates all the activities in the universe. Everything that we can see – and even the things we cannot – are an expression of intention’s infinite organizing power.

As the ancient Indian sages observed thousands of years ago, our destiny is shaped by the deepest level of our intention and desire. Once we plant the seed of an intention in the fertile ground of pure potentiality, our soul’s journey unfolds automatically, as naturally as a bulb becomes a tulip or an embryo becomes a child.” Deepak Chopra

The quote above eloquently demonstrates how powerful intention is. Therefore I urge you to set clear intentions and then watch how things almost magically appear to help you on your path. The key to this is for you to be pro-active. There is little to be gained from having clear intentions, but doing nothing to manifest them. Deepak has written extensively on this subject and more information can be found at his website: http://www.chopra.com/

What will you be doing in a decade?

As a new decade dawns, can you envisage where you will be in another decade? Look back over the past ten years and you will most probably feel that it has whizzed by. As the new millennium was rung in, did you have grand plans and resolutions? Have you achieved them? If so, congratulations, if not what stopped you? Lack of time, money, inclination, worry, fear, laziness, self doubt? Whatever it was don't lose heart, as it is never to late to make positive changes in your life. Coming up with great plans and ideas is one thing, but taking action to see the results is quite another.

Successful people clearly decide what they want and then do things each day to move them closer to achieving their goal. I particularly like the quote by Sir Ranulph Fiennes; "Decide what you want to be and once you have, go for it at once and with all your might."

Don't wait for the perfect time to start something that you are passionate about, begin it now. If you wait to long, life can pass you by and before you know it you may look back and say "If only I could have seen what I should have been."

Make a commitment to set aside a little time over the next few days to start planning what steps you are going to take to achieve all you desire in the coming decade. Regardless of whether it is to change jobs, have a better car, more money, bigger house, more time, give more to charity, you and only you can achieve it. Now fast forward in your mind to 2020 and think about how you will feel knowing that you have taken steps to achieve all you want. Know that you deserve all this. I am cheering you on from the sidelines.